It was when I was in Slovakia during the summer, that I realized that I have finished high school, that I decided to not go to University, and that I would go back to Mexico to start a totally new life. I was not obligated anymore to have a routine, to go to school, to do homework, to worry about things I didn't cared. I was facing finally what I always wanted, which it was dedicating my entire time to photography and what I truly cared about. Let me tell you I felt fucking scared. Whaaaat? scared about doing what you want, not having responsibilities, dedicate to do what you want and deciding this all by yourself? YES! Scared because of not having responsibilities and having all the time on you hands actually gives you a massive responsibility to use that time in a productive way. I was accustomed to work under pressure, to make a good job under a death line, to be worried about a note. Suddenly the system changed and I wasn't prepared. I didn't thought about it in my last months of hight school, I just had a optimist mind making decisions and not making an actual plan. But, at the end of all I'm still young. I do mistakes, and learn from them.
In Europe, I had the time of my life. I did what I enjoy the most: travel. I enjoyed the felling of being young and out of school. My worries were switch off until I came back to Mexico, to face the real life. I saw my friends starting university, getting homework, studying for exams. While I was doing with my time something different. The moment I came back I signed to go back to french lessons which I have always loved, I started to investigate more about photography and stories of photographers in the world, I started to have this hunger for reading books, I watched art movies, I discovered new artist on the internet. I had new obsessions, like writing, music, biographies, as well as simple things as tee, being with my family, having walks on my city.
But then, I begun to feel confused. Was it ok to do what I was doing? Most of the time I felt really guilty because my friends where going to university and I felt they where being more productive than me. Well, I now see that every work is valid. Maybe the art work that I was doing, someone else was doing it too in an art class in university, but I wasn't getting opinions and corrections from teachers which I think its better for a creative process.
I felt the most guilty because the idea that I had of dedicating my time to photography, I didn't dedicated at all. I didn't felt creative at all. I was judging myself too much about procastinating, which I now realize I wasn't, and because of that, I made all my creativity go away. Now, I realized that I was actually working on what I wanted, on my interest and not wasting any time.
I'm still felling confuse many times. But now I remember how I supported all my friends who felt as well confused and changing their minds all the time about choosing a career, and now I think they are the most happy people with the decisions they took at the end, because they let themselves doubt, explore their personalities, ideas and opinions. I support feeling confused, even more at this age when people expect us to decide what to do with our lives when we don't even know what is happening in our brain.
Feeling confused its ok!! It allows you to explore new things, to know you better, to find new paths without even noticing it, because you are having fun.
Sometimes we feel that we are growing up to fast, that the time will fly so we have to hurry up. But we have a lifetime to do what we want! to decide, to explore, to be creative. We don't have to feel obligated and hurried to decide something if latter in life you will realize that after all is not what you wanted, that it was a decision based in pressure. Some of you could be 20 and not having a clue of what you want to do in life. Well let me tell you there are out there some people who have 40 years old and they also don't have a clue. Its never late to start something new. I mean, my mom entered to university and studied Phsicology when she was 43. It is never too late or too soon to make action.
Because I'm not in uni and I'm not planing to attend uni doesn't mean that I'm agains university. Everyone have their own path. And I'm also not afraid of my decisions. I'm not afraid of changing my mind in some months later and think that after all I do want to go to university. Yes I'm afraid the most of the time, but to be afraid doesn't mean to stop fighting for your believes. The most brave people are not people without feeling afraid. The bravest people are the ones who felt fear and were not stopped by it .
Today I'm this Clara, who can change tomorrow, but I don't feel that is something wrong. Today I feel young, confused and stupid, but I also feel curious, revel, and brave.
¿How you feel today?