domingo, 15 de diciembre de 2013

Golden Slovakia

Parts of my diary I wrote while I was in Slovakia.
“I am in Slovakia. i am seating where it use to be Ivana's and her sister Zuzka room. There are many books, posters, neckless and earrings hanging on the wall, photos of her and Vlado her boyfriend. They look so young and happy. There is also a piano, clothes everywhere, different things that doesn’t match and everything its a big, colorful and beautiful mess. This is Ivana’s rooms and I can feel it even with my eyes closed. Even if it has change a lot because now it works as a storage room, it still feels like her. Its a comfortable, messy place full of personality. Its perfect, I feel like home here. She is now seating on the computer with Zuzka and her friend Jitka planing what we will do in the Pohoda music festival we are going on the weekend.
“From the window I can hear the river that passes besides the house. Slovakia its a magic place, and is even more magical the little village where Ivana lives, Rudñany, including the surroundings and the neighbor villages like Poráč. Its full of little and big mountains. You can see green everywhere, and now that the Sumer is here, the air its hot and there are wild flowers everywhere. Old abandoned buildings and gypsies in the surroundings add personality to the place even if some people doesn’t like them. I found it really interesting. The woods are beautiful. Nature its part of everyone’s life here. Ivana tells me about types and names of plants, how they recollect some of them to make tea. Little traditions as going to pick up mushrooms at 5am, that can seem normal for some people, are magical for me. Walking in the woods and findings berries its my favorite thing, their flavor was so explosive in the mouth, so much taste in such a little thing! It brings me back to the past when I lived in Saquarema, Brazil, my little and beautiful village full of nature, and fresh air. If I ever have a family, I am sure I want to raise it in a place like here.”

“I can see Ivana’s life everywhere. I am in the city where she grew up, where she became a crazy teenager, where she fall in love. I can see her in the city, in the restaurants, in the woods. I imagine her kissing Vlado hiding in the trees and holding hands, talking with her sister on the bus on their way home, seating in the school and looking at the window to the woods, going to the supermarket and choosing her favorite food, having long conversations on a ·girls nights” with her friends. I can see the life that she had, and I think how lucky she was to grew up here. I think that now in the present this is a little part of her life, and I will see more of her life in Edinburgh, where she studies and live now.”
“My days in Slovakia passes slow but beautiful. We have walks in the woods, into the beautiful nature. I can hear the silence and my breath, it relaxes me and makes me have a clear mind.”

“We went to Pohoda festival. It was my first time going to a music festival and I loved it so much!. The last three days where full of emotions, all the time something to do, something to see. I discovered new bands and really talented musicians. I felled even more in love of the music. There are a million special things about watching and hearing it live, to see how the musicians got lost in their music, their bodies where possessed and where moved by music. You could see how passionated they where to performed their work and truly feel the music in their bodies. I saw Tom Yorke dancing crazy. Nick Cave and the bad seeds coutivating people with their beautiful lyrics. I saw a couple crying and dancing slow like their bodies where one, it was such a personal moment that I almost felt like if it was prohibit to look at them. 
I danced like crazy, like those nights when I was in México alone in my room and wanted to go out to dance, so I danced alone with loud music. I danced even when I couldn’t dance more, when my feet hurt so much and my body said no, but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to revenge all those lonely nights on my room. The music and lights around me possessed me, and I didn’t said no. In the concerts I closed my eyes and felt the music. In those moments you have to loose yourself to really enjoy it."
"Later we heard on the news that there where more than 30,000 people, and everyone was different. You could see young and old people, families and friends, all joining to share the magic of music. It was funny how we all lived those three days like a small community. It wasn’t weird to see someone walking and brushing their teeth, walking in towels and flip-flops to take a shower. There was so many types of bodies and people, that no body cared what you where wearing or how you looked like. Everyone was there to have fun. "
"We where complaining all the time, with cold nights and hot days. The weather changed all the time, it could rain really hard and suddenly the sun would go out and be really hot. It was an adventure going to the bathroom, they stinked so horrible!. But we didn’t cared so much, your feet could hurt, but you where listening to Tom York live. You could have so much cold, and danced to be warm. it was hard to sleep in the ground and with all the noise of the camping area, but hearing the people laughing and the music from far away, felt magical. We laughed of the “uncomfortable” life we had, because it wasn’t really that important to us, we where having the time of our lives."
"One of the things I enjoyed the most is that everyone was dancing like no one was watching, because no one cared, we where there to have fun."
"I will never forget that night we danced until we saw the sunrise, to see Nick Cave life and watching the couple kissing, to cry listening to the Bratislava Orchestra playing The Moldau River , dancing the choreography with ivana to Atoms For peace song. A music festival its definitely an experience everyone have to live in life.”
I wish I took more photos while I was there. 

Now I dream to go back and document properly the experience and magic of going to a music Festival. 

Being in Slovakia was great. Every country, every city, every place have a unique thing to offer, you just have to observe. When you travel,  open your mind, open your heart.

lunes, 11 de noviembre de 2013

Its ok to feel confused

It was when I was in Slovakia during the summer, that I realized that I have finished high school, that I decided to not go to University, and that I would go back to Mexico to start a totally new life. I was not obligated anymore to have a routine, to go to school, to do homework, to worry about things I didn't cared. I was facing finally what I always wanted, which it was dedicating my entire time to photography and what I truly cared about. Let me tell you I felt fucking scared. Whaaaat? scared about doing what you want, not having responsibilities, dedicate to do what you want and deciding this all by yourself? YES! Scared because of not having responsibilities and having all the time on you hands actually gives you a massive responsibility to use that time in a productive way. I was accustomed to work under pressure, to make a good job under a death line, to be worried about a note. Suddenly the system changed and I wasn't prepared. I didn't thought about it in my last months of hight school, I just had a optimist mind making decisions and not making an actual plan. But, at the end of all I'm still young. I do mistakes, and learn from them.

 In Europe, I had the time of my life. I did what I enjoy the most: travel. I enjoyed the felling of being young and out of school. My worries were switch off until I came back to Mexico, to face the real life. I saw my friends starting university, getting homework, studying for exams. While I was doing with my time something different. The moment I came back I signed to go back to french lessons which I have always loved, I started to investigate more about photography and stories of photographers in the world, I started to have this hunger for reading books, I watched art movies, I discovered new artist on the internet. I had new obsessions, like writing, music, biographies, as well as simple things as tee, being with my family, having walks on my city.

But then, I begun to feel confused. Was it ok to do what I was doing? Most of the time I felt really guilty because my friends where going to university and I felt they where being more productive than me. Well, I now see that every work is valid. Maybe the art work that I was doing, someone else was doing it too in an art class in university, but I wasn't getting opinions and corrections from teachers which I think its better for a creative process.

I felt the most guilty because the idea that I had of dedicating my time to photography, I didn't dedicated at all. I didn't felt creative at all. I was judging myself too much about procastinating, which I now realize I wasn't, and because of that, I made all my creativity go away. Now, I realized that I was actually working on what I wanted, on my interest and not wasting any time.

I'm still felling confuse many times. But now I remember how I supported all my friends who felt as well confused and changing their minds all the time about choosing a career, and now I think they are the most happy people with the decisions they took at the end, because they let themselves doubt, explore their personalities, ideas and opinions. I support feeling confused, even more at this age when people expect us to decide what to do with our lives when we don't even know what is happening in our brain.

Feeling confused its ok!! It allows you to explore new things, to know you better, to find new paths without even noticing it, because you are having fun.

Sometimes we feel that we are growing up to fast, that the time will fly so we have to hurry up. But we have a lifetime to do what we want! to decide, to explore, to be creative. We don't have to feel obligated and hurried to  decide something if latter in life you will realize that after all is not what you wanted, that it was a decision based in pressure. Some of you could be 20 and not having a clue of what you want to do in life. Well let me tell you there are out there some people who have 40 years old and they also don't have a clue. Its never late to start something new. I mean, my mom entered to university and studied Phsicology when she was 43. It is never too late or too soon to make action.

Because I'm not in uni and I'm not planing to attend uni doesn't mean that I'm agains university. Everyone have their own path. And I'm also not afraid of my decisions. I'm not afraid of changing my mind in some months later and think that after all I do want to go to university. Yes I'm afraid the most of the time, but to be afraid doesn't mean to stop fighting for your believes. The most brave people are not people without feeling afraid. The bravest people are the ones who felt fear and were not stopped by it .

Today I'm this Clara, who can change tomorrow, but I don't feel that is something wrong. Today I feel  young, confused and stupid, but I also feel curious, revel, and brave.

¿How you feel today?